When less is more: an open letter to wives about marital communication by Dr. Rose Chin

Sitting down on the couch, I start every session by asking, “so what brings you in today?” For many wives, whether it’s their initial response or later in our session, I often hear, “My husband...he isn’t able to communicate with me...He doesn’t understand my feelings.” Stories of aloneness, mounting frustration, and deep resentment seem to pour out of my sweet clients about their marriages.

As a clinical psychologist, I exclusively see women clients and have a passion for supporting the feminine heart. I have noticed that a frustration with communication is a common thread that runs through almost every client’s stories.

If I am honest with you, I get it. I can relate through my own personal experiences. However, I also see a bigger picture: one where us women are getting duped by popular culture and by the field of psychology itself. It’s the lie that men and women are the same. He should understand my emotions, he should express his emotions like I do, we should be able to communicate deeply.

Sometimes, too much communication is the problem. What do I mean by this? The hyper-focus on marital communication is often overrated and devoid of the deeper solution. It’s not that we need more communication. We need the right communication. (Please know I am in no way advocating that you suppress your thoughts or emotions as a wife. You are an equal partner...read on).

Men and women are made in the image of God; both unique and distinctly different. Women can’t expect men to communicate their emotions in the way we do as women. It’s like asking an orange to taste like an apple. It can’t. Men can’t expect to have a wife who communicates like he does either. And no matter how much therapy you go through with your husband, he may never be able to meet your communication expectations.

The next question to ask then, is what is the communication we should aim for? Honest? Thoughtful? Constructive? Specific? I believe: Virtuous. Imagine communicating with your spouse where the goal isn’t to be emotionally validated or connected, but to be elevated in holiness.

So many communication issues stem from us, ladies. We critique and see what needs improvement. There’s a reason that Scripture provides such a continual commentary about the “nagging” wife (Check out Proverbs 19, 21, 25, 27). We have an adept emotional vernacular ability to express ourselves and can easily overwhelm ourselves and others with it.

I encourage my clients to do this: next time there's an issue you need to discuss (that isn’t absolutely essential), write it down and put it off. In a week, check back and ask yourself, “Do I need to bring this up?” The answer I often get is, “Actually...no. This isn’t essential or necessary for our family to discuss or process.” In many cases, it is a blessing to let it go through prayer instead of hashing it out.

We are truly the feminine genius; we have the emotional intelligence gifted to us by the Lord and it is beautiful. By honoring our husbands’ unique differences in the realm of communication we can start to let go of our expectations and recognize the good that is there. Next time there’s a concern, critique, or problem about your husband you’d like to point out to him...wait...pray. Ask the Lord for a virtuous heart. And find that your marriage can thrive without every conversation you may have initially felt necessary.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” 1 Peter 3: 1-2